rantFUJAK

haha

hehe

More!

I love these things!

brillant!!!

Quotes from GI the Third

 

"Another thing - bright colored gear is like an ugly hooker - might work fine, but you are always embarrassed to be seen with them."

"Now, if we can get the abject idiots to shut the hell up, we can try
discussing decompression application from a platform of truths and realities
and not have to argue whether the earth is flat with bozos."


"Join the Inspiration Rebreather list where the atmosphere is , well, almost like a funeral, and every one is polite to everyone else - they have to be - they never know if it is somebody's last post."

"Technology and enough gear might make a pig appear to be singing, but this is no different than having a conversation with a parrot - seems like he is talking, but there is nobody home."

"What becomes inmmediately apparent is that they obviously suspect that what they are doing is too stupid to stand the light of day, like this pony bottle crap, so they hide it from us, like when you see some fat slob sitting in his care picking his nose at a traffic light. If you blow the horn, he stops, and then gets back to it as soon as the coast is clear."

"....I guess you tell them not to worry about the buddy concept, don't dive with a bunch of stages or deco bottles, don't dive in current, and carry a rabbit's foot. In fact, I think they should just take the whole leap of faith right to the Buddy Inspiration - would look real slick with the pants, the bogus drysuit, the slicknotes, the suicide argon rig, the shrink wrap and the tic tac toe deco."

"Bondage wings, air ponies, steel stages, 80/20, steel with wetsuits,
overweighting, bull**** "trimix" ( like 30% helium which does nothing) ,
consoles, multiple computers, helmets, scooter cages, cobra guards, hand
held lights, square lights, hoses everywhere, stuffed hoses, independent
doubles, "tec" bc's, etc all are nothing more than the genetic material
of stupidity"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Some more

 On bungee wings:

".... what you need to "ask" is for a *NON-GOOEY-DIVER*. A *NON-GOOEY-DIVER* will pay top
dollar for a clean set of bondage wings, since they are more "technical"
and appeal to the uninitiated mind. The concept that something tied up
in bungee cord has "less drag" relies solely on the fact that most
people know nothing about hydrodynamics, but they readily make the
association with anything this convoluted and "drag", as in "drag queen"
or other perversion which serves to work as an advertising gimmick on
most fat slobs and, deviates, mutants, and any farm-animal stupid goober
as a subliminal form of validation.

These bondage wings can provide you with several hundred dollars worth
of entertainment. Bill Mee and I got a rebreather once with this
monstrosity attached to it, and when we got back to the dock, we threw
the rebreather in the pool, and the wings ran away. Before we knew it,
the rebreather was engulfed in the most hilarious raft-like balloon, and
we fell about the place in laughter. Neither one of us could stop
laughing - worth whatever they cost, and then to top it off , my
brother's dog, Goober, freaked out over the wings, and atacked them.

(From Aquamaniac on Dive Oz)

I cant recall what started this one, but I think Pina (Treys girlfriend at the time)went out on a rec boat and was left to dive Solo by Karla, she then called Pina *NON-GOOEY-DIVER* for diving solo, and it was on for young and old....



"Karla, just so we can put this in its proper perspective, I think we need to
let it be known that you are a 5' 6", 300+ pound ridiculous, blubbery fat
slob, and a loud-mouthed dumb red neck who does not know anything worth
knowing about diving, but has decided that somehow you should be "tech
diving" and that somehow you should be the "expert" based on the baloney you
do with the losers you do it with.

When confronted with the reality of real tech diving, you got your size
God-knows-what panties in a wad and decided to come screaming after me,
since I am the cross to the *NON-GOOEY-DIVER* vampire and the most hated person by any
known *******s in diving world-wide, and you were being encouraged to do so
by these driveling losers who resent us so much.

There is no reason for anyone to waste time telling you anything, and I
really don't know why so many of these do-gooders keep trying to fix people
like you. A disgustingly flaccid , morbidly obese person should not be
diving. Disgusting is when some butch looking diesel-mouthed ***** has her
gut hanging down in ROLLS over her ***** ( the horror) , and ends up in a
wetsuit looking like a giant trash bag full of jello or something that one
would expect to see on the front of National Enquirer or on the Oprah
Winfrey show being cut out of a house trailer with a chain saw by the fire
department.

I think solo diving is bull****, I don't do it, and I don't want Pina doing
it. I don't like it when Pina goes out diving on recreational boats full of
idiots ( like you) , and I prefer to see her go out with our people or other
people who have some clue. You , Karla, do not have a clue, and you, Karla
think solo diving is a good idea, just like all the other ridiculous
bull**** you put on this list that you got from people who are just as
ignorant as you . Since you yourself think it is such a good idea, why do
you try to "pin" it on us? Because your petty little resentments get the
best of you. I can see how a babe like Pina would make an animal like you
seethe with hatred, and I know how my reality pisses off all idiots in
diving, but you are really wasting everyone's time with your presence here,
and you have nothing to offer anyone, except maybe a Sumo wrestler, and a
sick one at that.

I think you can see what everyone thinks of you here. It is impossible to
have a discussion with idiots like you who on here, and that is why the good
discussions all end up on Quest. Guess who provides most of that
information? Not you, and not any of your friends.

Let me give you some advice - get some mouth tape ( kill two birds with one
stone)"

So the CDAA list is tame after all!

GI3 in all his glory, grammar errors and all. Great for a laugh though, but it depends if you are laughing at him or with him as to how much of a laugh it is....

JD

with him...esp the inspo list remark (and the fat redneck chik)

As a member of the Inspo list, I find it well worth it. It is for owners only and a great medium for sharing info, tricks and problems. It is quite amazing the dives these guys get up to with no publicity, just for the sake of doing the dive. There are plenty of 'for sale' ads too Harvs!

JD

THE 6 BEST SMART ASS ANSWERS ..........


SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'




SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

 A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted
island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two
animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.


As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to
the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his
arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely
until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets
together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another
shipwreck.


The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.


When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening...
red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.


Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear,

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

One from the land of Mick!

Beached in Aussie

(http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff242/onwardsupwards/P8210012.jpg)

For those that don't know, I am a huge Clarkson and Top Gear fan, he is a genuinely witty bloke.
BRO: I bought a DVD player which plays DivX. No more sitting in front of the PC watching season 11! Choice!


Quotes from Jeremy Clarkson, writer and presenter of Top Gear

"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit
like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."

"... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air
saying there will be no war with Germany "

Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased
stick out of a pig's bottom"

On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car: it
begins with 's' and ends with 't' and it isn't soot

"The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite"

"The air conditioning in a Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in the
dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable.  More
comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers.
Not that that's much to shout about.  That's like saying 'Ooh good I've
got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"

"I don't understand bus lanes.  Why do poor people have to get to places
quicker than I do?"

Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars
domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on
the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be
an obstruction.  Run them down to prove them wrong."

" Britain 's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
because they don't have wheel-chair access."

On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy: "Well Mr
Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old Cuban
prostitutes which way her parents voted?"

"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air
force crashing into a firework factory."

"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel.  But that's like being
well-behaved...for a murderer."

"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty
to be on my plate at supper time."

"There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face."

"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine.  Think of it if
you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants.  I do,
and it helps."

"You cannot have this car with a diesel. Its like saying, I won't go to
Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance, she's a
woman!"

"Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a
sportscar... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
equivalent of a President."

On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive
gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with
gingivitis."

Ahhh Pepper! Love the smell of the home country!

Motivational Posters

The wisdom of Larry the cable guy......

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the hell happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.  That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass   tomorrow

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!  Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

 

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didnt know we had a choice!'

 

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

 

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I can’t work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

 

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

 

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-eagled & says 'You know what I want don’t you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

 

Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

 A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

 

 Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional

 opinion it was a death trap!

 

 

 Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head

 to which point Paddy said 'I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!'

 

 Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

 He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

 Paddy replies 'I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

 

  An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!' She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

 

 Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

 

 Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey!  There’s a bloke here who was 152!'

 Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

 Mick replies 'Miles from London!     

More Inspirational posters....

Saw this on a Vic reg car on South Tce here this morning.

May as well just say " I have a short cropped hair cut, nose ring, huge a55, hairy underarms, wear blue singlets, with cut out cargo pants or shorts." People could figure that out from there. 

Well...not really a funny but some cool videos of the Blue Angels

http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/ajc/swf/blueangels/blueangels.swf (http://alt.coxnewsweb.com/ajc/swf/blueangels/blueangels.swf)

C

Cool indeed. What is interesting about the Blue Angels is that they dont fly breathing oxygen, as most fast jets are required to do. There have been suggestions that the most recent blue angels accident may have been contributed to high G black out. Breathing O2 helps increase tolerance to High G.

Interesting video, though I was at Avalon two weeks back, and the Super Hornet F/A-18F display was amazing. From take off, into a 50 degree climb, and 45 deg bank, at full AB. Into some awesome immelman turns and quarter rolls. A massive Power / Weight ratio, and impressive display.

Topical at the moment

Bin a while, but this is worthy of restarting a topic!

The last one is just because, well........ she is sorta hot.
And she has a boob out.

The first one cracked me up though. Very funny indeed!

JD

not getting much these days???